Finding out your partner has been avoiding sex, especially after years of marriage with minimal intimacy, can be incredibly confusing and hurtful. When you then discover them engaging in solo sexual activity like masturbation or viewing porn, it can feel like a betrayal, leading you to question everything they’ve told you, particularly if they’ve identified as asexual.
This is a common scenario that prompts a crucial question: Can someone be asexual and still masturbate or watch porn? The simple answer is yes, it’s entirely possible. Understanding the nuances of asexuality is key to navigating this complex situation in your relationship.
Understanding Asexuality: Attraction vs. Drive
Asexuality is broadly defined not by a lack of sex drive or the physical ability to experience arousal, but by a lack of sexual attraction. Sexual attraction, according to experts like Angela Chen, author of Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex, is the distinct desire for physical intimacy with a specific person. This can be an instantaneous feeling.
This is different from having a sex drive, which is more akin to a general physiological urge, much like hunger. Just as you can feel hungry without craving a specific meal, you can experience sex drive or physical arousal without feeling sexual attraction towards any particular person.
Therefore, an individual who identifies as asexual can still experience physical arousal and have a sex drive that leads them to masturbate. Masturbation can be a response to physical stimuli or a way to relieve tension, completely separate from feeling sexual attraction to another person.
Why Some Asexual People View Porn
The idea of an asexual person viewing porn might seem contradictory at first glance, but there are various reasons why this can occur within the asexual spectrum:
Response to Stimuli: Like masturbation, viewing porn can simply be a physical response to visual or auditory stimuli, unrelated to personal attraction to the individuals depicted.
Interest in Scenario: Some asexual individuals may be more interested in the plot, dynamic, or scenario presented in porn rather than feeling attraction to the performers themselves.
Empathy or Mood: For some, it might be vicarious pleasure – finding it enjoyable to watch others experiencing pleasure (“It feels good to hear/see other people feeling good”). It could also be used simply to “set a mood” or create a specific atmosphere.
Dopamine Hit: Like many activities, viewing porn can provide a dopamine release, offering a feeling of pleasure or satisfaction unrelated to sexual attraction.
It’s also worth noting that asexuality exists on a spectrum. Concepts like aegosexuality describe individuals who may feel attraction or arousal but lack the desire to be the subject of that attraction or engage in partnered sexual activity.
Navigating Your Relationship
Discovering your partner masturbating when they’ve cited asexuality as a reason for lack of intimacy with you is understandably confusing and likely painful. While it’s possible they may have been using asexuality as an explanation to avoid conflict or other issues, it’s also entirely possible that they genuinely identify as asexual and their solo activity aligns with the diverse ways asexuality can manifest.
Approaching a conversation about this requires curiosity and compassion rather than confrontation. Start by seeking to understand their experience. You could share what you learned about the distinction between sexual attraction and sex drive/arousal and ask how that resonates with their feelings and experiences.
Understanding these nuances of asexuality is a crucial first step in having an open and honest discussion. While counseling was previously refused, revisiting the idea of professional support might be beneficial as you explore the future of your marriage and whether an open relationship is a path you genuinely wish to pursue.
Educating yourself further on the asexual spectrum (resources like Angela Chen’s book are helpful) can provide valuable context as you seek to understand your husband’s identity and motivations, and ultimately decide what is best for your own well-being and future.
